Naniandfriends

Research _{Read Friendship} ~ Permission 2 Scatter  

^FRIENDSHIPWEB^s BETWEEN MY PRACTICE^S: crafting webs^s~reminder^s~permission^s

Materialized heavy processing

Materialized experiments through~with

^{I got what I need} TOOLBELTS _{around my waist}

^{Ceasefire Now!} WEARABLE PROTESTBANNERS _{hanging off our clothes}

^supporting SPIDERSHIPS AND FRIENDWEBS  _{reassuring me}

KNITTING LETTERS _{2 keep secrets}

ENVELOPING QUESTIONS _{to open but not answer}

^{knowing when I “see” it and not when I read it} COILED/ WEBd WRITINGS _{to unlearn perfect writing, or to write for writing} ^{not for reading}  

BUBBLES AND GIGGLES _{to keep giggling; protected}

OKAY _{to find my way back}

I`m still struggling to put this writing together,,,

MAYBE Scattered is how it will make sense to me

But there are deliverables and deadlines

 

So I'll have to manage a way to scatter together in this document.

Why do i get angry lol.

 

This writing, it starts, middles and finishes with a lot of insecurity,

“I don't know enough”

“It’s not good enough for a masters”

“what kind of knowledge am I unfolding (trying) here even”  

This masterthesis will be shit and I will enjoy its shittiness thank you.

Sabine smiles: “Du hast kein recht dich selber zu kritisieren”

There is questions around “what im doing” “am i having and existencial questioning or writing a thesis?” and there is an acknowledgement that indeed you cannot separate your research from who you are, and why does this make me cry?

Is this like a diary that I share with my mentor.....?

This writing will not make sense to me, perhaps it will to you

I'll be confused, before, during and after

With the exception of some moments of clarity,  

(they are overrated)

that are enjoyed but don’t last too long.

My master thesis will guide you through the emotional landscape I encounter when having to deliver research. It’s, with permission, a failed* try to organize the chaos in my mind and in my~our space and our practices and our~my experiments.

But, with permission, is slowly*, with permission, turning into enjoying* the chaos  

(why am I crying?again?), releasing the expectations that everything needs to make sense,  

needs to fit somewhere, be concentrated, be coherent.

*Permission 2 Fail*

*Permission to enjoy the chaos*

*Permission to acknowledge and release expectations*

This writing has a collection of some new  

vocabulary

word constellation

strategies  

methodologies  

I've learned~still trying to learn.

*Permission 2 take my thyme*

My masters is searching for life affirming infrastructures¹ for doing research and being in Love with~through networks~rootsystems~care webs²~friendships~permissions~reminders~(nervous)systems~pleasure~tolerance~bubbles~and~giggles

that acknowledge and empower me~us with~through confusion~indecisiveness~insecurity ~discomfort,,,

A “master thesis” may be delivered at a deadline, but the research will not be done yet, or ever. This is why this Writing will be published in Wiki-to-Pdf⁵,  

a tool imagined to produce “paginated, elastic, malleable and re-editable publications for printing and on-line reading”,  

so I can keep the possibility of writing and editing as I (un)learn,  

while making it available for my friends to join and  

while saving pdf as I go - to archive what it has been.  

I have this feeling it just started, but when I look back It has had many starts.  

Somewhere it also started with wanting to work with friends

Which brings so much joy, excitement, and a feeling of doing valuable work

But I've also experienced/seen it turn into sadness, anger, resentment  

And questioning the saying “Amigos Amigos, negócios à parte”⁶

Having to write this thesis (alone-ish),

makes me miss my friends.

Because, -I'm in the privileged position- of saying why would I ever want to do business with someone who is not (my) friend.

I guess every time I find a new tool, I feel prepared. I think I’m confusing “starting” with feeling prepared, or confident. And I have cried and questioned my way through this masters program. Never knowing what I was after.  Am I finding a way a city girl (me) could become a farmer girl (maybe me)? Am I researching for a master's or am I having an existential question? How can I plan my pension? Have you giggled today? Are you feeling bubbly?⁷  And even through moments of frustration, I think how wonderful it is to be doing research in this academic bubble. How grateful I am to have been able to rehearse it in this place where my emotions are welcome, naps are welcome, questions are welcome, dramatization is welcome, exploration is welcome. Where there is a collection of soft and warm people holding a space together for me~us to live this out.  

But what will happen once the bubble is burst?  

*with Permission*

The Web I move on _{context~acknowledgements}

This research has been made with friends, comrades, colleagues, mentors, through intimate conversations, academic talks, books, texts, poems, music, films, memes, walks, swims, infinite exchanges between (non)humans and (non)humans. Some I’m able to mention in the references, others I seem to have lost the thread, either way I’d like to acknowledge our interconnected webs of (un)learning.  

Most of the knowledges I have assimilated during this masters programm and where I, a priviledged white european cis gendered woman, can build my practice on, come from those who have resisted and never been acknowledged for their knowledge: lessend, missunderstood, mocked, unpaid, surveiled, ciminalized, silenced, never let into the academic space, marginalized, minoritised and racilialised incarcerated, killed for their their (embodied) knowledges; gender, race, ethnicity, language, nationality, class, sexuality,(dis)ability, health. Lack of access to bodymind health, education, transport, housing, wages, opportunity global warming unloved

Accessing~empowering~webs~(infra)structes~the same that been complicit in these decommonings (?), privatizes, genocided,  

This writing is being written, while the world is weeping, the hearts, bodies, (agri)cultures, climates,  there are multiple Genocides and ecocides being done and some of them being even live streamed: Sudan, Congo, Haiti, Myanmar and Palestine, and others we might not be aware of.  The carpet bombing of Gaza and its children has been going on for the seventh eighth consecutive month, and still there is an ongoing narrative, that justifies Israels crimes, atrocities. A similar narrative to the one I grew up hearing sitting on my kitchen table and in the classrooms, a narrative that justified the crimes committed by the Portuguese in and between Africa and South America. Crimes and atrocities as old as 500 years, that have not yet been (properly) accounted for.  

We have been Protesting Since the start of the genocide.

Free, Free Palestine,

Free Free Gaza,

Viva Viva Palestina!

In shock with how the world can go on while witnessing a live streamed genocide, students and workers all over the World have organized University mass protests, demands, occupations, encampments. These manifestations of solidarity show the students and staffs dedication to education through, with and beyond the academy.  

From Basel to Gaza, Student Intifada!

Unfortunately, some universities leaderships/administrations (example uni basel) , seem to be unable to recognize this. Instead of respecting their students/clients/workers/researchers/brains~hearts~souls giving them the access to the education they demand and desire and doing their best to divest from the military-industrial complex, these “leaderships” decide to call the police. The police shows up to peaceful protestors fully geared up, their bodies are protected, anonymized, they have vans, dogs, they are armed with rubber bullets, batons, tear gas, water canons, they have the right to intimidate, to be violent, to hurt, to damage, to arrest and to take in data from the protestors.  

This leaves me feeling extremely disgusted.  

While the commodification of education and the spectre of the corporate university (private and public) haunts, and has indeed materialised in many locations, many campuses remain sites of struggle, whether erupting, dormant or under the radar. Over 50 years have passed since the 1968 wave of rebellion reverberated around the world against authoritarian rule, war and colonialism when students, often alongside workers, organised mass protests, sending shockwaves of alarm among political, economic and military elites (Dubinsky, Krull, Lord, Mills & Rutherford, 2009; de García, 2005; Pensado, 2015; Vrana, 2017 )

Redet uns den Scheiss nicht ein,  

Polizei das muss nicht sein!  

Unsere Strassen unser Rhein,  

lass das kontrolieren sein!

From the River to the Sea,  

Palestine will be Free,  

From the Sea to the River,  

Palestine will live forever!

One solution, World Revolution!

Hey Hey, Ho Ho, the occupation has got to go!

1234,  

occupation no more,  

5678,  

Israhell is a terrorist state,  

in our hundreds in our millions  

we are all palestinians

Nous sommes tous des enfants de Gaza!

No boarder no nation, stop deportation.

Research _{read friendship}

Research is preparing snack and drinks

Research is vulnerable

Research is support

Research in becoming

Research is reactive

Research is collecting

“Research as a place to process emotions”⁸

“What feels Beautiful?”⁹

Research is protactile¹⁰ Research is navigating turbulent landscapes

Research is accessing

Research is strategies

Research is emergent¹¹

Research is concurrent¹²

Research is Rehearsing¹³

Research is juicy, thrilling, abundant,  

Anxious

Research is holding Complexities¹⁴

Research is sensemaking  

Sensemaking is noticing  

Noticing  “is about giving a lot of attention to small [(inner)children],  

very ordinary things that hold a lot of potential.  

And that can be instructive for recognizing a desire for how we might want to live or be together,  

That's not always allowable in the present”¹⁵

this is research

Nous sommes tous des enfants de Gaza!

Research is instructions

Research is revolution Research is worldbuilding

Research has got speedbumps

Research gives you goosebumps

Research is triggering Research is activating

Research is waking up in the middle of the night

Research is following resonance

Research is feeling connected  

Research is commitment

Research is holding Space for me

For you   Research as Kinship¹⁶

Research is Dramatic¹⁷

Research is Suspenseful¹⁸

Research changed my handwriting

Research submits

Research shares

Research is kleptocratic

Research is weapon

Research is strategy

Research is sick to my stomach

Hoch die Internationale Solidarität!⁴

Research is as careful slug¹⁹

Research is accountability

 

Research is resourcing

Research is repair

Research is needs  

Research is desire²⁰  

Research is heavy processing with nips and naps²¹

Research is in community Research needs Reminders

Research is pleasures  

Research is poly

Research is with permission

Research is (self-)compassion

Permission and love is embracing pleasure Research is Glimmering(MORNING)

Research is Rootful Research is Rhizomatic

“The rhizome is reducible neither to the One nor the multiple.

(...)

It is composed not of units but of dimensions,  

or rather directions in motion.  

It has neither beginning nor end,  

but always a middle milieu from which it grows and which it overspills.  

(...)  

A rhizome has no beginning nor end; it is always in the middle, between things.  

Interbeing,  

(...)”²²

Research is Radicant

“organism that grows its roots and adds new ones as it advances”²³

Adapting, translating, negotiating

Research is contemplative and contemplates

Research is explorative and explores

Research is multiplying and multiplies

Research is questioning  

questioning is holding on tight questioning is letting go

questioning is paradox?

“Where are you going?

Where are you coming from?

What are you heading for?

These are totally useless questions.  

Making a clean state,  

starting or beginning again from ground zero,  

seeking a beginning or a foundation-  

all imply a false conception of voyage and movement (...)”²⁴

Lol ups,

 

here I am trying to find a beginning, middle and end to my master thesis

Reminds me of Helens Refrain to hold on to:   beginnings that happen in the middle of things”²⁵

When there is none. What a Relief.

 

Research is in tides,  

ebbs and flows,  

between knowledge and ignorance,  

between tension and relief.

Okay, is finding a way back

Okay ^unconclusion

Instructions: Mini Protest Banners

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“Freedom is not a secret.It’s a practice.” Alexis Pauline Gumbs