Naniandfriends
Research Read Friendship ~ Permission 2 Scatter
FRIENDSHIPWEBs BETWEEN MY PRACTICES: crafting webss~systemss~structures
Materialized experiments through~with
I got what I need TOOLBELTS around my waist
Ceasefire Now! WEARABLE PROTESTBANNERS hanging off our clothes
supporting SPIDERSHIPS AND FRIENDWEBS reassuring me
KNITTING LETTERS 2 keep secrets
ENVELOPING QUESTIONS to open but not answer
knowing when I “see” it and not when I read it COILED/ WEBd WRITINGS to unlearn perfect writing, or to write for writing not for reading
BUBBLES AND GIGGLES to keep giggling; protected
I`m still struggling to put this writing together,,,
Scattered is how it will make sense to me
Why do i get angry lol.
This writing, it starts, middles and finishes with a lot of insecurity,
“It’s not good enough for a masters”
“what kind of knowledge am I unfolding (trying) here even”
This masterthesis will be shit and I will enjoy its shittiness thank you.
This is an experiment to feel secure within my insecurity, Yes, I feel insecure;
This writing, comes with an acknowledgement that indeed you cannot separate your research from who you are,
and why does this make me cry?
Okay, This writing has a collection of some new
word constellation
strategies
methodologiesThis writing will not make sense to me, perhaps it will to you
(they are overrated)
that are enjoyed but don’t last too long.
My master thesis will guide you through the emotional landscape I encounter when having to deliver research. It’s, with permission, a failed* try to organize the chaos in my mind and in my~our space and our practices and our~my experiments. But, with permission, is slowly*, with permission, turning into enjoying* the chaos
needs to fit somewhere, be concentrated, be coherent.
*Permission 2 Fail*
*Permission to enjoy the chaos*
*Permission to acknowledge and release expectations*
My master's is searching for life affirming infrastructures[2] for doing research and being in Love with~through networks~rootsystems~care webs[3]~friendships~permissions~reminders~(nervous)systems~pleasure~tolerance~bubbles~and~giggles that acknowledge and empower me~us with~through confusion~indecisiveness~insecurity ~discomfort,,,
Okay, this writing is for my bodymind[4], for my future, for my lifetime, for my wellbeing and for the wellbeing of my~our~your bubble, the livability on my~your web using some tools of polyamorous decolonial teaching.
A “master thesis” may be delivered at a deadline (can we demilitarize the academic language?), but the research will not be done yet, or ever. This is why this Writing will be published in Wiki-to-Pdf,
a tool imagined to produce “paginated, elastic, malleable and re-editable publications for printing and on-line reading”,
so I can keep the possibility of writing and editing as I (un)learn,
while making it available for my friends to join and
while saving pdf as I go - to archive what it has been.
I have this feeling it just started, but when I look back It has had many starts.
Which brings so much joy, excitement, and a feeling of doing valuable work
But I've also experienced/seen it turn into sadness, anger, resentment
And questioning the saying “Amigos Amigos, negócios à parte”[5]
makes me miss my friends.
Because -I'm in the privileged position- of saying why would I ever want to do business with someone who is not (my) friend.
I guess every time I find a new tool, I feel prepared. I think I’m confusing “starting” with feeling prepared, or confident. And I have cried and questioned my way through this masters program. Never knowing what I was after. Am I finding a way a city girl (me) could become a farmer girl (maybe me)? Am I researching for a master's or am I having an existential question? How can I plan my pension? Have you giggled today? Are you feeling bubbly?[6] And even through moments of frustration, I think how wonderful it is to be doing research in this academic bubble. How grateful I am to have been able to rehearse it in this place where my emotions are welcome, naps are welcome, questions are welcome, dramatization is welcome, exploration is welcome. Where there is a collection of soft and warm people holding a space together for me~us to live this out.
I'm thankful for the manes at Pedreira who have introduced me to anchors where I could knot a frame for my web~practice. They knotted auxiliary threads with me and gave me confidence to spiral a safety hub.
Anchoring to friends~comrades~mentors, texts~sounds, memes, walks, swims, GIGGLES,,, creates a stable web to move and find nurture on.
Some of these references I’m able to mention, others I seem to have lost the thread, either way I’d like to acknowledge our interconnected webs of (un)learning.
And take a moment to acknowledge all those who have and still worked on (embodied) knowledges that have been lessened, exploited, misunderstood, mocked, unpaid, unloved, surveilled, criminalized, silenced, never let into the academic space, marginalized, minoritized, racialized, incarcerated, killed
through lack of access to body~mind~planetary~climate health, education, transport, housing, wages, opportunity,
for their (embodied) knowledges through gender, race, ethnicity, language, nationality, class, sexuality, (dis)ability, health.
World Revolution!
I'm writing this on a mac computer owned by the school. The structures that maintain Switzerland, the country I'm writing this in, onto such privilege are the same that keep the global south exploited. All while Switzerland together with the rest of Europe, is closing their borders more and more, and people trying to leave these exploitative conditions looking for safer spaces are left to die outside these borders.
Brick by Brick,
Wall by Wall,make the Fortress Europe Fall!8
This writing is being written, while the world is weeping, the hearts, bodies, (agri)cultures, climates, there are multiple Genocides and ecocides being done and some of them being even live streamed: Sudan, Congo, Haiti, Myanmar and Palestine, and others we might not be aware of. The carpet bombing of Gaza and its children has been going on for the seventh eighth ninth consecutive month, and still there is an ongoing narrative, that justifies Israels crimes, atrocities. A similar narrative to the one I grew up hearing sitting on my kitchen table and in the classrooms, a narrative that justified the crimes committed by the Portuguese in and between Africa and South America. Crimes and atrocities as old as 500 years, that have not yet been accounted for.
the occupation has got to go!
We have been Protesting
Since the start of the latest, most extreme genocidal bombing campaign.
Free Free Gaza,
Viva Viva Palestina!
In shock with how the world can go on while witnessing a live streamed genocide, students and workers all over the World have organized University mass protests, demands, occupations, encampments. These manifestations of solidarity show the students and staff's dedication to education through, with and beyond the academy.
Unfortunately, some universities leaderships~administrations (example uni basel) , seem to be unable to recognize this. Instead of respecting their students~clients~workers~researchers~brains~hearts~souls giving them the access to the education they demand and desire and doing their best to divest from the military-industrial complex, these “leaderships” decide to call the police. The police shows up to peaceful protestors fully geared up, their bodies are protected, anonymized, they have vans, dogs, they are armed with rubber bullets, batons, tear gas, water canons, they have the right to intimidate, to be violent, to hurt, to damage, to arrest and to take in data from the protestors.
This leaves me feeling extremely disgusted.
Polizei das muss nicht sein!
Unsere Strassen unser Rhein,
lass das kontrolieren sein!
From the River to the Sea,
Palestine will be Free,
From the Sea to the River,
Palestine will live forever!
1,2,3,4
The occpuation has got to go
5,6,7,8
Israhell is a terrorist state
In our hundreds
In our millions
We are all palestinians!Research is in Solidarity
solidarity is fractal9
what emerges in larger systems and structures“10
Everytime you see Research read friendship
Research is preparing snack and drinks
Research is vulnerable
Research is support
Research is becoming
Research is reactive
Research is collecting
“Research as a place to process emotions”8
“What feels Beautiful?”9
Research is navigating turbulent landscapes
Research is accessing
Research is strategies
Research is emergent11
Research is concurrent12
Research is Rehearsing13
Research is juicy, thrilling, abundant,
Research is sensemaking
Sensemaking is noticing
very ordinary things that hold a lot of potential.
And that can be instructive for recognizing a desire for how we might want to live or be together,
That's not always allowable in the present”15
this is research
Research is instructions
Research is worldbuilding
Research gives you goosebumps
Research is activating
Research is waking up in the middle of the night
Research is following resonance
Research is feeling connected
Research is commitment
Research is holding Space for me
Research as Kinship16
Research is Dramatic17
Research is Suspenseful18
Research changed my handwriting
Research submits
Research shares
Research is weapon
Research is strategy
Research is as a careful slug19
Research is resourcing
Research is needs
Research needs Reminders
Research is pleasures
Research is poly
Research is with permission
Research is (self-)compassion
Research is Rootful
Research is Rhizomatic
(...)
It is composed not of units but of dimensions,
or rather directions in motion.
It has neither beginning nor end,
but always a middle milieu from which it grows and which it overspills.
(...)
A rhizome has no beginning nor end; it is always in the middle, between things.
Interbeing,
(...)”22
Research is Radicant
Research is contemplative and contemplates
Research is explorative and explores
Research is multiplying and multiplies
Research is questioning
questioning is letting go
Where are you coming from?
What are you heading for?
These are totally useless questions.
Making a clean state,
starting or beginning again from ground zero,
seeking a beginning or a foundation-
all imply a false conception of voyage and movement (...)”24
beginnings that happen in the middle of things”25
Research is in tides,
between knowledge and ignorance,
between tension and relief.
Research, I'm still finding out
Research, I find out as I go
Maybe, I keep some things, to myself, secrets, because they are a bit embarrassing and cringe and because they are important to me, because they are mine, a part of me and my vulnerabilities, I don’t want to show them to the world in a round and polished way, because to round and polish them, is to take away its depths and flatten31 them.
There are things I am too embarrassed to show
Until I feel comfortable enough to let it out
Look what I made,
There is something I’ve written,
Look there is a T and an A and a K and an E
and a B and a R and there is an E and another A, a K and the S.
It's a reminder for myself,
I feel embarrassed that I feel disconnectedness towards the needs of by body and need a
reminder,
I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all.
I would also need a reminder.My friends give me reassurance,
My friends are my success,
My friends are my safety,
The moments when friends share ideas are precious,
The things I work on start making sense when I share it with friends.
Friends see and bring to reality so much that I didn't notice,
Friends share with me their imaginaries,
I wouldn't be here without my friends.
When I'm feeling down and uncertain,
I hate writing
I love making
I’m scared of writing
For my masters I will have to write
I’m a slow reader
I love making
Let me procrastinate by making writing
I love making
I love writing
and to enjoy it
Reassurances
Insecurities
Related to what teachers thought of my writings
Because I knew I was bound to deliver a thesis made up of words
Making writing: a way to start writing while procrastinating on drafting a thesis.
I had been (re)activated to work with letters and fonts and words, experimenting
writing through and adapting the writing to different materials and technologies, leading to a change in my practice~caligraphy.
Letters~Fonts~Encrypted Expression
The Pixo is a type of tagging evolved in the Periphery of Sao Paulo,
I was introduced to it by a partner.
The letters are inspired by anglo-saxon runes alphabet aka Futhorc that came to Brasil through punk and heavy metal culture.
I got to know a little bit more about it through the documentary by João Wainer and Roberto T. Oliveira from 2010.
Pixo, is a way for marginalised people to express themselves.
Someone unnamed in the documentary shares with us he never learned how to read in school. Growing up on the Street he only learned to read Pixo.
Suddenly, I started to see these pixo~letters~messages~negotiation~networks, due to increasing immigration, popping up in my routes in Europe, trying to decode them, acknowledging that impossibility.
A journey,
to spray can and wall
to thread and knitting machine coding,
to welding (weldwriting) on metal,
to coiling ceramics,
to acrylic on jeans,
to encrypt in spidernets,
to 3D programming and 3D printing
to thesis.
Intelligence~Symbols~Reminders
Lost on Instagram reels,
I found a precious video by the researcher~architect Peres Songbe, titled Tecnologias Ancestrais Africanas. Songbe is a Master on African influences on Brazilian Architecture. Through his video and research he introduced me and others to Adinkra, an ancestral African alphabet from Ghana that express african stories, philosophies codes of conduct, social norms, traditional values, proverbs e muito mais. These symbols serve as knowledge transfers crafted on fabrics, ceramics, metal gates e muito mais. Sankofa is one of these symbols~words~intelligence~philosophy~wisdom. It reminds its readers to learn and evolve by looking back. Growing up in Portugal, I have seen it all over my routes in Europe, especially on metal gates, ignorant to its powers.
Now it reminds me of whose hands~intelligence~knowledge~technology has shaped Brazil, Portugal, Europe; how knowledge is passed through stories, materials, objects,; and how necessary to keep reminding ourselves of what we think we already know.
Silently~unacknowledged the gates shaped my routes: acknowledged ~ they make me stop, read, remember and share it with who I'm routing with.
Wisdom 2 be reminded;
Words~permissions~reminders
accompany my thesis~insecurity.
Finding your confidence,
A paradox.
Morning equips me~reader with tools to regulate~sooth the body~nervoussystem, alone and in (non)human company: centering the body to support the mind. Tools to use as auxiliary threads to strengthen the security on my~our~your web.
Starting by giving ourselves permission for (un)learning
To trust yourself
To take breaks
To fuck up
Irene Morning, gave permission;
Robin While Kimmerer teaches how to ask for Permission them using the lessons from The Honorable Harvest ;
Helen gave me the confidence to extend the permissions for my artistic~practice~research;
I made myself reminders.
I read the book in the school's ceramic studio, while underlining, re-writing parts into a word document and, when overwhelmed or tired of reading, I would start coiling, materializing the books permissions into clay.
The touch of Clay bringing me back to my senses.
My hands.
Material: Stoneware
The words in the book stirr me up, why is it so hard to trust myself?
Why do I need permission?
Method: rolling, coiling, looping, feeling letters,
And like a spidernet that reminds me to clean my room,
it reminds me of the possibility~paradox of staying safe within insecurity.
Focusing on my Body communicating~feeling~getting to know a material~technique~sequence calms me down~
Looping;
“(...) explor(ing) the loop as a process of revolutionary creation through the accumulation of repeated circuits, fosters the potential of the individual and collective energetic encounter as a possibility to achieve political questioning, altered states of consciousness and new queer immateriality(ies)”. 32
A certain repetition makes my nervous system feel safe, inside my web of tolerance33,
able to take in the information with empathy~curiosity~compassion,
surrendering to a new interpretation of our frustration~stress~threat,
we are able to engage the aspects of our physiology
that create connection and intimacy with other people (...)
Listening,
Steady and calm tone of voice,
Eye contact,
Pleasurable physical contact.
(...) (giving) us access to emotions like
empathy,
curiosity,
and compassion.”35
Through unlearning, with the help of friends, mentors and memes, I feel like my tolerance for being uncertain has gotten better, I even felt confident enough to make it into a master thesis.
This researchread friendships is having to remind yourself constantly, of permissions, of reassurance, because as soon as the stress kicks in, I seem to forget.
Acknowledging how the body~nervoussystem~organs, react to when it's losing its sense of security.
Acknowledging how the web of tolerance can shift our sense of security:
Depending on our ability to metabolize stress and the stress~pressure levels we are dealing with; our coping mechanism; the resources we have to digest the signals from the body; our sense of connection at that moment; how life experiences have conditioned us; how much we rested and how much we hydrated and nurtured ourselves; how our body is functioning nervoussystem~heartrate~digestivesystem;;;
Have you securely knotted the web into place? Have you tended to the knots you have made?
Did an anchor rip during the windy night?
Don't worry there is many knots holding you secure, it just shifted a bit.
How to build~strengthen your web:
Throw your Hilo,
study the vibration coming back, is this anchor you have thrown secure enough?(SUELY ROLNIK)
Your anchor points is your internal world ~ your (non) human friends ~ the spaces you love to inhabit, to join these point you can use anchor
threads~relationships~connections~routes;
Use your anchors and knot frames~collectives~practices~systems
In the middle of your web, find a stable middle and spiral~knot a safety hub~a center for resting and feeling secure.
From there use your auxilary threads~permissions~reassurances~reminders and spiral~knot your web for secure movement and nurture.
The web is for you and who you want to share it with,
find a route to be present together,
share your resources[7],
join on the web to find ways to write~make together, experiment with materials~typographies~codes~encryptions,
Research together,
Nap together,
Rehearse accessibility and tolerance together,
Organize to protest together,
make~wear your protest banners together~apart;
INSTRUCTIONS for making mini Protest Banners
Material List:
- Fabric Scraps : I use Jeans
- Acrylic Paint: I like White on Jeans- good contrast is recommended for better readability ~ experimenting with different contrasts and therefore different levels of encryption could also be of interest
- Paint Brush: size and hard~softness depends of what you want to work on, do some tryouts! Get to know your brush and let the brush get to know you.
- remind yourself of gathered words, acronyms, chants, symbols you feel connected to
Prepare Space and Time:
- Find a comfy space, where you can spread your fabric scarps
- make yourself a hydrating beverage
- Prepare a glass with water where you can leave your brush to not dry when taking breaks
- Set yourself a reminder to drink and to take that break
Paint:
- Maybe you feel more comfrotable starting with writing with the pencil
- Take your brush and paint and start ~~~~ take as long as you need ~ until satisfied or tired
- For extra durability, lay a piece of baking paper on your dry paint and go over it with a hot iron
Surprise Effect: Protest Banner Roll Down
- Get a binder clip and attach the top of the banner to it using glue/ safety pin/ ...
- Roll the banner up and clip it secure
- When the time is right just open the clip and let it roll down
Okay, is finding your way back
Okay
Okay, to get lost
Okay, is finding a way back
We get lost and percipitated a cause typically one that is undesirable:
to happen suddenly, unexpectedly, or prematurely
performed readily or immediately
We get lost and set off
We get lost and provoked
We get lost and frozenWe get lost and motioned in circles trying to find our way back
We get lost and activated and we are responsible to find our way back
And I have reminders to help with thatWe get lost and trust to find our way back.
Okayunconclusion
So what's my research question?
Again
How the research I've been doing
On being with, attempting to make, reading about: Spiderwebs
Has informed me on Friendships/Love
Has made me want to web a (security) net
A net that is knotted on various humans, non-human, quotes, permissions, techniques, landscapes, tools,
Various ones,
And then i imagine that if there is a string that for whatever reason, breaks
There are a few more that will hold the net in place
It might sway a bit harder when there is a wind coming through
And in the middle of things this is what Polyamory is also about
It acknowledges that we are social beings, made of attachments and attachments are beautiful
And it acknowledges our window of tolerance and our survival strategies
And Jessica Fern and Irene Morning and on IG decolonizing.love and so many more have been tooling us up with how to deal with these intense feelings
And these tools are so valuable
Not just for polyamorous people
Also for people who love, who work together, who do research, who are living on a damaged planet
Tools to regulate the nervous system,
For people who feel the need to regulate their nervous system,
For people with a nervous system
And then I feel ridiculous because I§ swear if i had learned that in kindergarten, wow,
And i feel like i could! I feel like it would have made so much sense to me
And now here i am feeling the need to make a masters out of it
This masters programm has expanded my view on Research and Love and I would love to keep navigating, integratting, processing, embodying,
finding joy, pleasure, connection and transformation.
Back to the tools
They are here for us to use
But we forget them in times of need
Thats why we need reminders and taking breaks
Also this Masters
Has been so much about unlearning all these design methods cause in their quest to repair and resolve they do applauded damage
So I don't strive for fruitful work
I strive for Rootful work
Now having these tools
I feel like i can go out of academia, and i feel a little bit better equipped to work with my friends
Because working with friends is so beautiful and can bring such sweet fruits
But ive also experienced some rotten fruits, broken connections, a lot of distrust so sad
I ask myself how we want to work together
When we get annoyed by each other
And i tell you
Go have a nap
Our togetherness is equal to our separateness*** where did i see this?
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| a | ||||||
| b | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c | ||||||
| c |
“Freedom is not a secret.It’s a practice.” Alexis Pauline Gumbs
- ↑ In conversation with Helen.
- ↑ Berlant, Lauren. 2016. “The Commons: Infrastructures for Troubling Times*.” Environment and Planning. D, Society and Space/Environment and Planning. D, Society & Space 34 (3): 393–419. https://doi.org/10.1177/0263775816645989.
- ↑ Piepzna-Samarasinha, Leah Lakshmi. 2018. Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice. Edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers. Arsenal Pulp Press. https://thatmightberight.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/reading-III.pdf.
- ↑ Term used in disability studies , i found it here https://catalystjournal.org/index.php/catalyst/article/view/37643/28637
- ↑ Portuguese saying meaning something like: "friends [are] friends and business is seperate"
- ↑ Some questions I had during and worked with during the Masters Programm
- ↑ Carlos Pérez Cortés, Juan. 2022. Relationship Anarchy: Occupy Intimacy! https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/juan-carlo-perez-cortez-relationship-anarchy..