Naniandfriends

Research _{Read Friendship}

^FRIENDSHIPWEB^s BETWEEN MY PRACTICE^S: crafting webs^s~systems^s~structure^s

Materialized heavy processing

Materialized experiments through~with

^{I got what I need} TOOLBELTS _{around my waist}

^{Ceasefire Now!} WEARABLE PROTESTBANNERS _{hanging off our clothes}

^supporting SPIDERSHIPS AND FRIENDWEBS  _{reassuring me}

KNITTING LETTERS _{2 keep secrets}

ENVELOPING QUESTIONS _{to open but not answer}

^{knowing when I “see” it and not when I read it} COILED/ WEBd WRITINGS _{to unlearn perfect writing, or to write for writing} ^{not for reading}  

BUBBLES AND GIGGLES _{to keep giggling; protected}

OKAY _{to find my way back}

I'm still struggling to put this writing together,,,

MAYBE

Scattered is how it will make sense to me

But there are deliverables and deadlines

 

So I'll have to manage a way to scatter together in this document.

Why do i get angry lol.

 

This writing, it starts, middles and finishes with a lot of insecurity,

“I don't know enough”

“It’s not good enough for a masters”

“what kind of knowledge am I unfolding (trying) here even”

 

Sabine smiles: “Du hast kein recht dich selber zu kritisieren”

This is an experiment to feel secure within my insecurity, Yes, I feel insecure;  

Invitation to openly feel unsure, insecure, not confident.

Invitation to find confidence in confusion.

 

Maybe a lot of harm has been done by feeling too confident.

This writing, comes with an acknowledgement that indeed you cannot separate your research from who you are,  

and why does this make me cry?

Okay,

This writing has a collection of some new  

vocabulary

word constellation

strategies  

methodologies  

I've learned~still trying to learn. *Permission 2 take my thyme*  

This writing will not make sense to me, perhaps it will to you

I'll be confused, before, during and after

With the exception of some moments of clarity,  

(they are overrated)

that are enjoyed but don’t last too long.

          My master thesis will guide you through the emotional landscape I encounter when having to deliver research. It’s, with permission, a failed* try to organize the chaos in my mind and in my~our space and our practices and our~my experiments.

But, with permission, is slowly*, with permission, turning into enjoying* the chaos  

(why am I crying?again?), releasing the expectations that everything needs to make sense,  

needs to fit somewhere, be concentrated, be coherent.

*Permission 2 Fail*

*Permission to enjoy the chaos*

*Permission to acknowledge and release expectations*

*Permission to stay in the Process*

          My master's is searching for life affirming infrastructures for doing research and being in Love with~through networks~root systems~care webs~friendships~permissions~reminders~(nervous)systems~pleasure~tolerance~bubbles~and~giggles that acknowledge and empower me~us with~through confusion~indecisiveness~insecurity ~discomfort,,,

Okay, this writing is for my body mind, for my future, for my lifetime, for my wellbeing and for the wellbeing of my~our~your bubble, the livability on my~your web using some tools of polyamorous de~anti colonial teaching.

          A “master thesis” may be delivered at a deadline (can we demilitarize the academic language? ), but the research will not be done yet, or ever. This is why this Writing will be published in Wiki-to-Pdf,

          a tool imagined to produce “paginated, elastic, malleable and re-editable publications for printing and on-line reading”,  

          so I can keep the possibility of writing and editing as I (un)learn,  

          while making it available for my friends to join and  

          while saving pdf as I go - to archive what it has been.  

I have this feeling it just started, but when I look back It has had many starts.  

Somewhere it also started with wanting to work with friends

Which brings so much joy, excitement, and a feeling of doing valuable work

But I've also experienced/seen it turn into sadness, anger, resentment  

And questioning the saying “Amigos Amigos, negócios à parte”

Having to write this thesis (alone),

makes me miss my friends.

Because -I'm in the privileged position- of saying why would I ever want to do business with someone who is not (my) friend.

          I guess every time I find a new tool, I feel prepared. I think I’m confusing “starting” with feeling prepared, or confident. And I have cried and questioned my way through this masters program. Never knowing what I was after.  Am I finding a way a city girl (me) could become a farmer girl (maybe me)? Am I researching for a master's or am I having an existential question? How can I plan my pension? Have you giggled today? Are you feeling bubbly? How do I plan my retirement?   And even through moments of frustration, I think how wonderful it is to be doing research in this academic bubble. How grateful I am to have been able to rehearse it in this place where my emotions are welcome, naps are welcome, questions are welcome, dramatization is welcome, exploration is welcome. Where there is a collection of soft and warm people holding a space together for me~us to live this out.

 

But what will happen once the bubble is burst?  

*with Permission*

          I'm thankful for the manes at Pedreira who have introduced me to anchors where I could knot a frame for my web~practice. They knotted auxiliary threads with me and gave me confidence to spiral a safety hub.

          Anchoring to friends~comrades~mentors, texts~sounds, memes, walks, swims, GIGGLES,,, creates a stable web to move and find nurture on.  

          Some of these references I’m able to mention, others I seem to have lost the thread, either way I’d like to acknowledge our interconnected webs of (un)learning.  

          And take a moment to acknowledge all those who have and still worked on (embodied) knowledges that have been lessened, exploited, misunderstood, mocked, unpaid, unloved, surveilled, criminalized, silenced, never let into the academic space, marginalized, minoritized, racialized, incarcerated, killed

          through lack of access to body~mind~planetary~climate health, education, transport, housing, wages, opportunity,  

          for their (embodied) knowledges through gender, race, ethnicity, language, nationality, class, sexuality, (dis)ability, health.  

One solution,  

World Revolution!

          I'm writing this on a mac computer owned by the school. The structures that maintain Switzerland, the country I'm writing this in, onto such privilege are the same that keep the global south exploited. All while Switzerland together with the rest of Europe, is closing their borders more and more, and people trying to leave these exploitative conditions looking for safer spaces are left to die outside these borders.

Brick by Brick,

 Wall by Wall,  

make the Fortress Europe Fall!

          This writing is being written, while the world is weeping, the hearts, bodies, (agri)cultures, climates, there are multiple Genocides and ecocides being done and some of them being even live streamed: Sudan, Congo, Haiti, Myanmar and Palestine, and others we might not be aware of.  The carpet bombing of Gaza and its children has been going on for the seventh eighth ninth consecutive month, and still there is an ongoing narrative, that justifies Israels crimes, atrocities. A similar narrative to the one I grew up hearing sitting on my kitchen table and in the classrooms, a narrative that justified the crimes committed by the Portuguese in and between Africa and South America. Crimes and atrocities as old as 500 years, that have not yet been accounted for.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho,  

the occupation has got to go!

We have been Protesting

Since the start of the latest, most extreme genocidal bombing campaign.

Free, Free Palestine,

Free Free Gaza,

Viva Viva Palestina!

          In shock with how the world can go on while witnessing a live streamed genocide, students and workers all over the World have organized University mass protests, demands, occupations, encampments. These manifestations of solidarity show the students and staff's dedication to education through, with and beyond the academy.  

From Basel to Gaza, Student Intifada!

          Unfortunately, some universities leaderships~administrations (example uni basel) , seem to be unable to recognize this. Instead of respecting their students~clients~workers~researchers~brains~hearts~souls giving them the access to the education they demand and desire and doing their best to divest from the military-industrial complex, these “leaderships” decide to call the police. The police shows up to peaceful protestors fully geared up, their bodies are protected, anonymized, they have vans, dogs, they are armed with rubber bullets, batons, tear gas, water canons, they have the right to intimidate, to be violent, to hurt, to damage, to arrest and to take in data from the protestors.  

          This leaves me feeling extremely disgusted.  

Redet uns den Scheiss nicht ein,  

Polizei das muss nicht sein!  

Unsere Strassen unser Rhein,  

lass das kontrolieren sein!

From the River to the Sea,

Palestine will be Free,  

From the Sea to the River,  

Palestine will live forever!

1,2,3,4

The occupation has got to go

5,6,7,8

Israhell is a terrorist state

In our hundreds

In our millions

We are all palestinians!

Research is in Solidarity

solidarity is values

solidarity is fractal

„(...) is what we practice on small scale affects

what emerges in larger systems and structures“

_{Everytime you see} Research ^{read friendship}

Research is preparing snack and drinks

Research is vulnerable

Research is support

Research is becoming

Research is reactive

Research is collecting

“Research as a place to process emotions”

“What feels Beautiful?”

Research is protactile

Research is navigating turbulent landscapes

Research is accessing

Research is strategies

Research is emergent

Research is concurrent

Research is Rehearsing

Research is juicy, thrilling, abundant,  

Anxious

Research is holding Complexities  

Research is sensemaking

Sensemaking is noticing  

Noticing 

“is about giving a lot of attention to small [(inner)children],  

very ordinary things that hold a lot of potential.  

And that can be instructive for recognizing a desire for how we might want to live or be together,  

That's not always allowable in the present”

this is research

Nous sommes tous des enfants de Gaza!

Research is ~_connecting

Research is instructions

Research is revolution

Research is world building

Research has got speed bumps

Research gives you goosebumps

Research is triggering

Research is activating

Research is waking up in the middle of the night

Research is following resonance

Research is feeling connected

Research is commitment

Research is holding Space for me

For you

Research as kinship.

Research is Dramatic

Research is Suspenseful

Research changed my handwriting

Research submits

Research shares

Research is kleptocratic

Research is weapon

Research is strategy

Research makes me sick to my stomach

Hoch die Internationale Solidarität!

Research is as a careful slug

Research is accountability

 

Research is resourcing

Research is repair

Research is needs  

Research is desire  

Research is heavy processing with nips and naps “(…) (Heavy) process is product.

Process generates knowledge and it allows us to understand our own place within and beyond the research we are doing.

Process is a form of experimentation, it is a method, it is a way of learning, of gathering, and sharing information, of knowing.

(…) /processing/ as an orientation to the pleasure (sexual, emotional, political, intellectual)

of complex and sometimes incommensurate information.”

“(…)/+/ being transformed by that information.”

Research is in community

Research needs Reminders

Research is pleasures  

Research is poly

Research is with permission

Research is (self-)compassion

Permission and love is embracing pleasure

Research is Glimmering

and Research Glitters

Adapting, translating, negotiating

Research is contemplative and contemplates

Research is explorative and explores

Research is multiplying and multiplies

Research is questioning  

questioning is holding on tight

questioning is letting go

questioning is paradox?

“Where are you going?

Where are you coming from?

What are you heading for?

These are totally useless questions.  

Making a clean state,  

starting or beginning again from ground zero,  

seeking a beginning or a foundation-  

all imply a false conception of voyage and movement (...)”

Lol ups,

 

here I am trying to find a beginning, middle and end to my master thesis

Reminds me of Helens Refrain to hold on to:   beginnings that happen in the middle of things”

When there is none. What a Relief.

 

Research is in tides,  

ebbs and flows,  

between knowledge and ignorance,  

between tension and relief.

Research, I'm still finding out

Research, I find out as I go

          Maybe, I keep some things, to myself, secrets, because they are a bit embarrassing and cringe and because they are important to me, because they are mine, a part of me and my vulnerabilities, I don’t want to show them to the world in a round and polished way, because to round and polish them, is to take away its depths and flatten them.

There are things I am too embarrassed to show

Until I feel comfortable enough to let it out

Look what I made,

 

There is something I’ve written,

Look there is a T and an A and a K and an E  

and a B and a R and there is an E and another A, a K and the S.  

It's a reminder for myself,  

I feel embarrassed that I feel disconnectedness towards the needs of by body and need a  

reminder,

I know what you mean,  

I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all.

I would also need a reminder.

My friends give me reassurance,

My friends are my success,

My friends are my safety,

My friends hold me accountable,

The moments when friends share ideas are precious,

The things I work on start making sense when I share it with friends.

Friends see and bring to reality so much that I didn't notice,

Friends share with me their imaginaries,  

Enriching mine.

I wouldn't be here without my friends.

When I'm feeling down and uncertain,  

Friends empower me, soothe me and bring me back to a stabler reality.

I hate writing

My writing was never praised at school

I love making

Nani has such gifted hands

I’m scared of writing

What if its not good enough?

What if no one understands what i want to express?

For my masters I will have to write

I have thyme

I’m a slow reader

And I get stuck to the 60 second videos on my phone

I love making

Let me procrastinate by making writing

I make words with the materials I love touching

The act of writing is like the act of making

Helen gave me permission to write in a way I feel good doing it

I love making

I love writing

I feel so good after writing

And my friends seem to understand it

and to enjoy it

Reassurances

Insecurities

Related to what teachers thought of my writings  

Because I knew I was bound to deliver a thesis made up of words  

Making writing: a way to start writing while procrastinating on drafting a thesis.  

I had been (re)activated to work with letters and fonts and words, experimenting

writing through and adapting the writing to different materials and technologies, leading to a change in my practice~caligraphy.  

Letters~Fonts~Encrypted Expression

           The Pixo is a type of tagging evolved in the Periphery of Sao Paulo,

           I was introduced to it by a partner.

The letters are inspired by anglo-saxon runes alphabet aka Futhorc that came to Brasil through punk and heavy metal culture.

           I got to know a little bit more about it through the documentary by João Wainer and Roberto T. Oliveira from 2010.  

           Pixo, is a way for marginalised people to express themselves.  

Its predominantly cis-male dominated.

          Someone unnamed in the documentary shares with us he never learned how to read in school. Growing up on the Street he only learned to read Pixo.

 

          Suddenly, I started to see these pixo~letters~messages~negotiation~networks, due to increasing immigration, popping up in my routes in Europe, trying to decode them, acknowledging that impossibility.

A journey,

From paper and pen,  

to spray can and wall,

to thread and knitting machine coding,

to welding (weld writing) on metal,  

to coiling ceramics,  

to acrylic on denim,

to encrypt in spider nets,

to 3D programming and 3D printing, to thesis.

Intelligence~Symbols~Reminders

          Lost on Instagram reels,  

          I found a precious video by the researcher~architect Peres Songbe, titled Tecnologias Ancestrais Africanas. Songbe is a Master on African influences on Brazilian Architecture. Through his video and research he introduced me and others to Adinkra, an ancestral African alphabet from Ghana that express african stories, philosophies codes of conduct, social norms, traditional values, proverbs e muito mais. These symbols serve as knowledge transfers crafted on fabrics, ceramics, metal gates e muito mais. Sankofa is one of these symbols~words~intelligence~philosophy~wisdom. It reminds its readers to learn and evolve by looking back. Growing up in Portugal, I have seen it all over my routes in Europe, especially on metal gates, ignorant to its powers.  

          Now it reminds me of whose hands~intelligence~knowledge~technology has shaped Brazil, Portugal, Europe; how knowledge is passed through stories, materials, objects,; and how necessary to keep reminding ourselves of what we think we already know.

          Silently~unacknowledged the gates shaped my routes: acknowledged ~ they make me stop, read, remember and share it with who I'm routing with.

Wisdom 2 be reminded;

          Words~permissions~reminders

Knitted, coiled in stoneware, 3D printed in PLA, Acrylic on Denim

          accompany my thesis~insecurity.  

They are the materialization of the research^{read friendship} I have followed inside of Irene Mornings “The Polyamory Paradox: Finding Your Confidence in Consensual Non-Monogamy,”

Finding your confidence,

In insecurity.

A paradox.

Morning equips me~reader with tools to regulate~sooth the body~nervous system, alone and in (non)human company: centering the body to support the mind. Tools to use as auxiliary threads to strengthen the security on my~our~your web.

Starting by giving ourselves permission for (un)learning

To go slow

To trust yourself

To take breaks To fuck up

Permissions, that need reminders.

Irene Morning, gave permission;

          Robin Wall Kimmerer teaches how to ask for Permission them using the lessons from The Honorable Harvest ;

          Helen gave me the confidence to extend the permissions for my artistic~practice~research;

I made myself reminders.

I read the book in the school's ceramic studio, while underlining, re-writing parts into a word document and, when overwhelmed or tired of reading, I would start coiling, materializing the books permissions into clay.

The touch of Clay bringing me back to my senses.  

          My hands.  

          Material: Stoneware

The words in the book stirr me up, why is it so hard to trust myself?  

I trust my friends.

Why do I need permission?

Frustration.  

I get lost  

Method: rolling, coiling, looping, feeling letters,  

materializing words, visualizing to trust yourself to find my way back.

I found my way back,  

There is a Reminder: burnt at 1250*C

I burnt them in the oven because I could not burn them into my body.

I placed into a corner of my space.  

And like a spidernet that reminds me to clean my room,  

it reminds me of the possibility~paradox of staying safe within insecurity.

          Focusing on my Body communicating~feeling~getting to know a material~technique~sequence calms me down~

Looping;

          “(...) explor(ing) the loop as a process of revolutionary creation through the accumulation of repeated circuits, fosters the potential of the individual and collective energetic encounter as a possibility to achieve political questioning, altered states of consciousness and new queer immateriality(ies)”.

A certain repetition makes my nervous system feel safe, inside my web of tolerance ,  

          able to take in the information with empathy~curiosity~compassion,  

                    surrendering to a new interpretation of our frustration~stress~threat,

accessing a new paradigmshift “When we are in our window(Web) of tolerance,  

we are able to engage the aspects of our physiology  

that create connection and intimacy with other people (...)

Listening,

Steady and calm tone of voice,

Eye contact,

Pleasurable physical contact.

(...) (giving) us access to emotions like  

empathy,  

curiosity,  

and compassion.”

Through unlearning, with the help of friends, mentors and memes,  I feel like my tolerance for being uncertain has gotten better, I even felt confident enough to make it into a master thesis.  

A deadline is getting closer

Again, please let us demilitarize the academic language,

its stressing me out, making me act in weird ways,

The ways I'm trying to unlearn!

It's making me think this is the most important thing out there,

making me forget about my friends.

:(
Stress starts, and the questioning of my research~value gets louder, the insecurity gets activated. Luckily my friend Reina del Mar is here. She's listening and with her steady calm tone of voice she reassures me that there is value.  

This research_{read friendships} is having to remind yourself constantly, of permissions, of reassurance, because as soon as the stress kicks in, I seem to forget.

Acknowledging how the body~nervous system~organs, react to when it's losing its sense of security.

Acknowledging how the web of tolerance can shift our sense of security:

          Depending on our ability to metabolize stress and the stress~pressure levels we are dealing with; our coping mechanism; the resources we have to digest the signals from the body; our sense of connection at that moment; how life experiences have conditioned us; how much we rested and how much we hydrated and nurtured ourselves; how our body is functioning nervous system~heart rate~digestive system

I~we will feel more or less capable~confident~secure~tolerant ~open

What strengthens your web of tolerance?

Have you securely knotted the web into place?

Have you tended to the knots you have made?

Did an anchor rip during the windy night?

Don't worry there is many knots holding you secure, it just shifted a bit.

How to build~strengthen your web:

         Throw your Hilo,

study the vibration coming back, is this anchor you have thrown secure enough?

          Your anchor points is your internal world ~ your (non) human friends ~ the spaces you love to inhabit, to join these point you can use anchor

threads~relationships~connections~routes;

          Use your anchors and knot frames~collectives~practices~systems

In the middle of your web, find a stable middle and spiral~knot a safety hub~a center for resting and feeling secure.  

          From there use your auxiliary threads~permissions~reassurances~reminders and spiral~knot your web for secure movement and nurture.  

The web is for you and who you want to share it with,  

          find a route to be present together,  

          share your resources,  

          join on the web to find ways to write~make together, experiment with materials~typographies~codes~encryptions,

          Research together,

          Nap together,

          Rehearse accessibility and tolerance together,

          Organize to protest together,

          make~wear your protest banners together~apart;

 

INSTRUCTIONS for making mini Protest Banners

Material List:

• Fabric Scraps: I use preloved Denim
• Acrylic Paint: I like White on Denim- good contrast is recommended for better readability ~ experimenting with different contrasts and therefore different levels of encryption could also be of interest
• Paint Brush: size and hard~softness depends of what you want to work on, do some tryouts! Get to know your brush and let the brush get to know you.
• remind yourself of gathered words, acronyms, chants, symbols you feel connected to

Prepare Space and Time:

• Find a comfy space, where you can spread your fabric scarps
• make yourself a hydrating beverage
• Prepare a glass with water where you can leave your brush to not dry when taking breaks
• Set yourself a reminder to drink and to take that break

Paint:

• Maybe you feel more comfortable starting with writing with the pencil  
• Take your brush and paint and start ~~~~ take as long as you need ~ until satisfied or tired
• For extra durability, lay a piece of baking paper on your dry paint and go over it with a hot iron

Surprise Effect: Protest Banner Roll Down

• Get a binder clip and attach the top of the banner to it using glue/ safety pin/ ...
• Roll the banner up and clip it secure
• When the time is right just open the clip and let it roll down  

Okay, is finding your way back

Okay

Okay, to get lost

Okay, is finding a way back

We get lost and triggered

We get lost and activated We get lost and stirred

We get lost and percipitated _{a cause typically one that is undesirable:}

_{to happen suddenly, unexpectedly, or prematurely}

We get lost and prompt _{being ready and quick to act as occasion demands:}

_{performed readily or immediately}

We get lost and set off

We get lost and provoked

We get lost and frozen

We get lost and generated to find our way back

We get lost and motioned in circles trying to find our way back

We get lost and activated and we are responsible to find our way back

And I have reminders to help with that

We get lost and trust to find our way back.

=== Okay^unconclusion ===

So what's my research question?

Again

How the research I've been doing

On being with, attempting to make, reading about: Spiderwebs  

Has informed me on Friendships~Love

Has made me want to web a (security) net  

A net that is knotted on various humans, non-human, quotes, permissions, techniques, landscapes, tools,  

Various ones,  

And then i imagine that if there is a string that for whatever reason, breaks

There are a few more that will hold the net in place

It might sway a bit harder when there is a wind coming through

And in the middle of things this is what Polyamory is also about

It acknowledges that we are social beings, made of attachments and attachments are beautiful

And it acknowledges our window of tolerance and our survival strategies

And Jessica Fern and Irene Morning and on IG @decolonizing.love and so many more have been tooling us up with how to deal with these intense feelings

And Justin had painted them beautiful

And these tools are so valuable

Not just for polyamorous people

Also for people who love, who work together, who do research, who are living on a damaged planet

Tools to regulate the nervous system,

For people who feel the need to regulate their nervous system,

For people with a nervous system

And then I feel ridiculous because, I swear, if i had learned that in kindergarten, wow,

And I feel like I could! I feel like it would have made so much sense to me

And now here I am feeling the need to make a masters out of it

Okay

This masters programm has expanded my view on Research and Love and I would love to keep navigating, integrating, processing, embodying,  

with permission

finding joy, pleasure, connection and transformation.

Okay

Back to the tools

They are here for us to use

But we forget them in times of need

Thats why we need reminders and taking breaks

Okay  

Also this Masters

Has been so much about unlearning all these design methods cause in their quest to repair and resolve they do applauded damage  

So I don't strive for fruitful work

I strive for Rootful work

What connects to the knots?

Now having these tools

I feel like i can go out of academia, and i feel a little bit better equipped to work with my friends

Because working with friends is so beautiful and can bring such sweet fruits

But I've also experienced some rotten fruits, broken connections, a lot of distrust so sad

I ask myself how we want to work together

When we get annoyed by each other

And i tell you  

Go have a nap  

Our togetherness is equal to our separateness*** where did i see this?

“Freedom is not a secret.It’s a practice.” Alexis Pauline Gumbs